family neuroses and just plain love

I called my sister Cynthia today just on the spur of the moment when I saw her phone number. Didn't know I had her number. (She called me a year or so ago.) She answered and we talked. She relayed some disturbing family news. I was able to feel loving and be loving toward her and she reacted with tears and thanks. It moved me to be able to be in that place where I could offer her that. She's been through so much. She lives in Illinois now, near my father.

I wondered about her relationship to my father, who I have regarded warily and not trusted due to some incidents with him and my brother's feelings against him. But my sister seems to be able to maintain a relationship with him. The more I marveled at how one (wo)man's pride is another (wo)man's poison (or something like that), the more I realized that we all had someone.

We all had some kind of life even if it wasn't very pretty. I thought of an older friend I had who's been like a father to me and how I didn't want to let go of that friendship and counsel. I don't know my father and probably never will -- out of awareness of his mental/emotional limitations -- and my early fearful experiences of him -- but I do have someone that I hold in high esteem and look to for what I didn't get with him. And I emailed him that. Satisfying to let someone dear to you know what they mean to you. Both through words (with my friend) and through actions (with my sister).

things are developing...

things are developing ... for better or worse .... I think it will all come out in the wash (in 3+ weeks), but til then, I'm trying to lay low and think about the good stuff in my life.... but definitely am thinking about writing about what's happening at work.

Like how much can I say about things here? How much do I want to say? Enough to get my feelings out to feel heard and to get my point across. I'm sick of being silent.

Things have been rotten in Denmark a long time and I've gotten momentarily outraged but never did anything about it...not that I should now. It's just that things have gotten out of hand. I'll leave it at that for now.

Thanks for listening. More to come. Don't have any decent images to get across the doom and gloom I've been feeling....but I also want the bright spot to speak and not just revel in the darkness.