Intuitive Rhapsody

Heat wave

2011-07-22T09:33:00.004-05:00

How the weather got to be such an interesting (boring) topic... or how many days can they say it's not going to change much...plus how the other states are doing it (the heatwave) and how others in your town are doing it (surviving the heat wave), and has anyone lost their sense of humor over this thing? I liked the piece about the steak cooked in someone's car on the dashboard in 2-3 hours. Aren't there other places/ways to experience the heat differently? Like the moderating influence of a cool shower or bath, the delights of ice cream, or the appeal of a big fat, cold watermelon? And how's that doing for your health? Are you slowing down more? Taking it easy? Being gentle with yourself as you waft with the heatwaves moving outside? Feel like a langorous, ponderous hippo yet? Or a huge, bloated elephant? Are you attracted to the ponds the alligators hide in...and would do anything just to get in there with them? It all looks so appealing....to enjoy the heat and take the day off... Is your head off somewhere in the wild blue yonder, dreaming about God-knows-what, while you lay back limply in your easy chair? Is trying to get your mind to focus about as hard as getting your kids to eat vegetables or cleaning out the refrigerator? Do you feel like life has sped up 120% and you've slowed down that same amount? Does watching the trees wave in the breeze make you dizzy? Are you getting sleepy...sleepier....your eyelids are getting heavy...your eyes are closing and you feel so sleepy...you just want to drift off to sleep....more and more relaxed....just let go....

(see you in that first cold front in October...)

why I'm writing today and what it's about

2011-06-01T15:58:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure yet what I'm going to write about, but have definitely decided to sell my mobile home (about the 13th time), but this time, it's it!

The main reason I think I'm going to write about it is because I seemed to have stalled out on writing about anything else. Anything at all. I no longer feel 'news-worthy,' whatever that means. What it does mean is that every time I thought about writing on my blog, I would think that I didn't really have much to say and that everyone else seemed to have so much more and so many better ways to say it. So why should I bother?

I do have something to say, but it's often more complex than just spouting out a short easily-packaged blurb. So I edit it, ignore the impulse, discount it, muffle it, criticize it, and end up saving my voice for the truly vexing times when I have to vent or I'll just explode. (!) Meanwhile, life is passing me by and I mean that the life that consists of consistent blog posts and hopefully increasing readership - that life is passing me by.

Which reminds me that my purpose in writing this blog is not to get fantastic numbers of readers to follow me. No, that's not it. My purpose is to be heard, to share my voice, to express myself (as trite as it sounds), and to discover what I've chosen to write about at any given time. A form of exploration and fun even, for you and me.

I just do want people that do happen to wander by here unexpectedly, to have a good time when they read my post. That's all. They don't ever have to visit me again - that's okay. Of course, I wonder what they thought of it....but I'm content if I can churn out half-way reasonable prose that has the potential to entertain, educate, and enlighten. Or even just grab your attention, though I mine for depth and seek to go deep. So I guess I can say that I don't want to grab your attention. Because when I try to be witty to grab attention, I end up nine times out of ten thinking twice about what I'm going to say and then deciding not to say anything. Too high a standard. So let's just be real. I think that'll work. Because then if you drop by, and even leave a comment, I'll know it's for what I've written naturally, not what I wrote to try to be like everyone else (witty, cool, famous, etc.). And even if it's just the dog who pays attention, I'll be out there in the ether somewhere. Better than inside my strange mind, all cramped up with too many thoughts and no where to go.

"...everything in life is writable about..."

2011-05-03T15:49:00.000-05:00

TEDxHouston - Brené Brown

2011-03-18T11:51:00.000-05:00

Women make men and men make women

2011-02-02T11:48:00.019-06:00

I know I haven't written in awhile. I had things in my "real" life overtake me and my interest in writing noteworthy copy took a backseat..... but I am up again and on my way......

I ran across this quote and it spoke to me. I hope you like it too.

Strong Men and Strong Women

“Men have been afraid of women and have therefore dominated them, unconsciously, for very much the same reasons I believe they have been afraid of their primary processes. Remember that the dynamic psychologists are apt to think that much of the relationship of men to women is determined by the fact that women will remind men of their own unconscious that is of their own femaleness, their own softness, their own tenderness, and so on.

And therefore, fighting women or trying to control them or to derogate them has been part of this effort to control those unconscious forces which are within each one of us...

Only as men become strong enough, self-confident enough and integrated enough can they tolerate and finally enjoy self-actualizing women, who are full human beings.

But no man fulfills himself without a woman, in principle. Therefore, strong men and strong women are the condition of each other, for neither can enlist without the other. They are also the cause of each other, because women grow men and men grow women. And finally, of course, they are the reward of each other. If you are a good enough man, that’s the kind of woman you’ll get and that’s the kind of woman you’ll deserve."

A.H. Maslow

Emotional Blocks to Creativity

Thanks to:

Lynne Namka, for posting this quote in her newsletter.

www.AngriesOut.com
Photo thanks to: http://birthofanewearth.blogspot.com/

YouTube - Free Hugs in Sondrio, Italy

2010-12-08T16:09:00.000-06:00

YouTube - Free Hugs in Sondrio, Italy: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

It is as it is

2010-12-05T12:40:00.000-06:00

The semester's just about over. Classes are out. And now it's on to packing and getting the house ready to sell.....and getting ready for Christmas... when I wish I had the energy of a twenty-something and the wealth of a banker (though not a Wall Street Banker), and the charisma of former president Clinton.

...and how about the skill set of a team of handymen! That'd set me up great!

Strange story-dream (really dreamed it!) titled Little Fellow

2010-10-28T15:34:00.001-05:00

I had a little fellow attached to my side – a kind of misshapen, half-formed other self, a twin self, who was so small and misshapen that I forgot about him, hid him under my shirt until he spoke to me suddenly one day on the way home from the store.

He spoke in a really tiny voice and it would’ve sounded cute if it wasn’t so insistent. Hey! Don’t forget about me down here. I need some looking after too! And I looked down at him and I was shocked, astonished, once again, at his tiny features and misshapen form, and yet he spoke! He had intelligence! I covered him with my hand to reassure him that all was okay – and reassured myself too, if you want to know the truth of it, and went on my way. I was going home, and this part of me quieted down.

I could never forget he was there though, because he was connected to me on the inside and when I lay down at night, I always lay down on my left side so as not to disturb him. And he didn’t move, of course, but I could feel him connected to me and was very careful of that side of myself.

At home, with my friends, I tried to find a place to get comfortable and take a nap but my friends were all up and talking. I couldn’t get comfortable and someone noticed me and announced that it was time to cut the bugger off me. I replied with horror that it wasn’t that easy, that he was connected to me on a deep level, that we shared the same blood even and that to cut him off wouldn’t just be a flesh wound, but would leave a gaping hole in my side where blood would run out. They began to get interested in the idea anyway and they were all stirring and coming around to me in excitement. I became more alarmed and jumped up to get away from them. I tried to reason with them but they seemed only interested in making things better or removing so-called defects and weren’t interested in what could happen as a result.

I ran to the outside of the building and climbed up to the roof, trying desperately to get away. When that seemed hopeless, since they were still coming, I decided to throw myself off the roof, and I did – and gently floated down and down, past the many stories, to land on the ground below.

Later they found me and I felt a pain and an ache in my side, and a bandage covering where my “little guy” used to be.

As I sat in my spot in the big room with the friends, I felt the blood seeping out and wetting my shirt. I had told them and they hadn’t believed me. But I knew.

I was still feeling dull and weak and it would probably take awhile til I could fully come to terms with this, my form changed so deeply and the hole it left behind.

What was that part of me? What did it mean? And where did it go if it was cut away? Was that a good thing, after all? Or needless suffering? Was it a drain on my life force? Did the hole of bleeding leave my life force to run out or create movement and flow where there had been only stagnancy?

Was something feeding on my life force that I had to be careful with and mindful of? Something that had no use but was merely an appendage? Or a useless hopeless thing that had worth nevertheless?

Were my friends my friends, or hooligans? Was the dull ache of the knife to be feared more than the ever-present nagging and insistent presence of "the other?" Was the wound more important than the taking care of that part of me?

Was it more important to create the wound from the dis-embodying of the little self, and thus to free up stagnant physic energy which before had been bound up in maintaining that self, even if that meant the blood would flow freely, at least for awhile, and thus would cause concern in and of itself, as a wound that may not heal? We have no proof that it will heal. We have only evidence of its opening and flowing, and a dull ache within. Surely it will flow onto the ground (of being) and nourish the roots there. For a new life.

See with me. See within. Go within and feel your way through. Throw out your prejudices and make your way in the darkness of mind, the darkness of soul. Get to know the lay of the land inside your own psyche, inside yourself. Become familiar and decide where to make your home. Watch the comings and going and be the tree, fixed in the garden, aware and strong and rooted deeply in the earth and the ground of your being. Deeply rooted in your own being.

When midnight comes to you

And petals lose their flowers

Dropping silently in gentle

Repose around the hours

Stalking visitors impose

Their demands upon your wishes

Replacing joy with Everests to climb

And choking seaweed for the fishes

The shocking calls ring out

Deafening and senseless

Monotone and monosyllabic

Wasteland without fences

Freed and wandering, you pass

The signs of many splendor

In and out of coils of hope

Your break and then engender

It moves within you, spirit comes

A shadow of your life

Rising up and filtering out the noise

Its own truth like a knife

Cutting through the bonds of past

Miscarriages and labors falsely keeping

Opening up old wounds to free

The love that lies there weeping

Your soul has truth, potency

Obscured in light of day

It waits til lines are blurred at night

For what it has to say

When lines to outside pleasures’ gone

In the midnight hour at last

One can commune with one’s self

And hear the voice of soul broadcast

In the dark, I tumble down

To a lost reverie and pain

Quiet dreams and lost horizons

Given up for security and gain

Here I open up my heart

For there’s nothing left to do

With silent peering in, I hope

To discover something new (true)

Something I’ve lost or forgot about

thrown upon the heap

Of once-bright treasures left behind

And toys that never weep

Useless and hopeless, they all seem

Dolls and toys flung away

The flower petal dress and dew drop hands

Still, they sing to me this day.

What can they offer you or me?

What can midnight bring?

If all the world’s a stage, then I

Must surely play the part within.

Clues abound, though overlooked

My stubborn mind ignores it

Still my softest of friends speaks to me

And tenderly implores it

Many soft things hang in the shadows

In the quietude, I’m feeling

Quiet rules me now instead

And a modicum of healing.

This reverie of knowing must

Permeate the day

To bring forth unknown qualities

Into the conversational play

So the midnight brings its own reward

A fulfillment and a pain

Dark and moody, fearful, present

To what is secret, again

Midnight is the dark of it

And fear of it, I think

Lurking in the shadows of life

Leaning on the brink

Til all my being’s tuned to it

My justifyin’s disappeared

My fear like a bad melody

Stuck and can’t get cleared

(My fear laid open for me to see

It’s not as bad as feared)

When midnight comes to you,

Listen to what I say,

be aware the dark’s not as dark

as what you feared in day

so sink into your favorite chair

let go of daily busy-ness

slow as the hour proceeds from here

to make contact with the is-ness.

astrological weather

2010-07-29T09:23:00.001-05:00

From one of the my favorite astrological sites, 12House.com:

THURSDAY JULY 29 MOON in PISCES MARS enters LIBRA
Moon Void of Course 10:44 pm (CDT) – 3:42 pm Friday afternoon

Mars the god of war marches into peace-loving Libra this afternoon. As the ruler of Aries, the opposite sign to Libra, Mars is more aligned with our masculine, assertive, independent nature than with the feminine, mind-your-manners nature of Libra. Mars here directs our energy toward balancing the scales, looking at both sides of an issue and ‘fighting' for justice. When Mars moves through Libra, we may have more difficulty pushing our own agendas without first considering the rights and desires of others. Since being in relationship is an ultimate ambition for Libra, we will be highly motivated to find ways to get along and to please others, maybe sometimes at our own expense. We might become more demanding of relationships now, wanting to hold people to higher and more equitable standards.

http://www.12house.com/home/powerpeekhtml.cfm

design your own

2010-07-07T13:36:00.000-05:00

only way to start is to start

2010-07-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

I've let this blog lapse, as I often do, until something starts niggling at the back of my mind and I remember about it again. I always wish I could write witty, timely prose and that expectation and challenge stops me in my tracks. So I procrastinate, pushing it into the back of my mind until a little worm of a memory starts wiggling around back there....

I wonder if I should title this blog something that reflects that one step forward, two steps back approach. There just seems to be so much else that is compelling on the web that I don't even think of what I might have to say. I have the urge to just quote "them." Ha, ha. Like a news-gathering service of items that interest me. But I want to be more than a relay system.

I long to be creative...in an erudite way. In a cultured, yet spiritually-aware, sophisticated, though down-to-earth and personally-warm writing persona. I long to be opinionated in the best possible sense of the word. Opinionated in the grandest of spiritual traditions. Like Rumi.

But so much of the time, it seems like I am but a sheep, following others' opinions, likes and dislikes, afraid of unearthing my own. Afraid of identifying my own, and following my own. If there's someone else that is "for" something that I am "for" also, then I can have it. Then I can cherish it. Why can't I just have my solitary love of something? Without needing validation through others also valuing it? Maybe because I'm always running up against my parents' opinions (long after they're gone), society's expectations and opinions, and the world at large (whatever that is). The world at large, for me I think, is everyone I encounter in a given day, AND WHAT THEY THINK.

Hmmmm. Time to retreat to Walden's Pond, or a facsimile thereof. My own thinking woman's retreat from the cares (and opinions) of the world. We all need one.

And we all need, I'm thinking, those with whom we share similar views. But just not to require validation from them for their opinions so that we can value our own. It's a fine line -- but the difference between standing on your own feet surrounded by caring others who share the same ground and leaning on them for where they stand. Think about it.

more art

2010-05-08T21:31:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday to my nephew, Keith.

...make it and show it!

2010-03-10T08:48:00.010-06:00

I was looking at Celtic art and ancient warrior shields yesterday and reading about Creation Spirituality. I had made a leather string sculpture or something with beads and small bits of rock and shell which looked artistic a few days ago and last night, I grabbed it and decided to rework it into a "real" thing I could take with me and "use" instead of just viewing as quaint but "useless" art. Notice my judgements around art. Not pretty. But I'm working on changing that. ... anyway, I came up with something that I thought I could live with -- something like worry beads to have when I want peace, and after reworking it a few times more - when I noticed I had left some beads out or wanted to change the position of a rock, etc., I came up with this. I am very happy with it and immediately thought of sharing it on my blog. Especially since I haven't felt motivated to write much in awhile (for which I apologize).

What I made is really an amulet, or talisman since that's kinda what I was thinking of when I made it. See Wikipedia:

An amulet (from Latin amuletum; earliest extant use in Naturalis Historia [Pliny], meaning "an object that protects a person from trouble"), a close cousin of the talisman (from Arabic طلاسم tilasm, ultimately from Greek telesma or from the Greek word "telein" which means "to initiate into the mysteries") consists of any object intended to bring good luck and/or protection to its owner. Potential amulets include: gems, especially engraved gems, statues, coins, drawings, pendants, rings, plants, animals, etc.; even words said in certain occasions—for example: vade retro satana—(Latin, "go back, Satan"), to repel evil or bad luck.

Below is an Omamori, a Japanese amulet (also found on Wikipedia).

Here's to you discovering your passion and hidden talents! You know you have them! I know I do! Now, let's get out there and use them!
Blessings, Lauradeanne

Happy Christmas and Mystical magical New Year!

2009-12-21T14:10:00.007-06:00

I haven't been keeping up with this blog. I don't have anything snappy to say. Just to get out of the house and get some sunshine.

I've been busy on Facebook, other people's blogs, Salon.com, other websites, you name it. It somehow keeps me from reflecting on my own life and writing about it. It's near the end of the year and I'm feeling tired. Time to rest, hibernate even, alternating with getting outside in the sunshine (as I mentioned already).

Don't know if I should continue this blog...there seems to be so many others out there with so much more information. Information overload. I can never know it all, be it all, have it all. All I can have is this one piece of ground here (I mean that metaphorically). Scattering myself to the four winds...is not good.

What I want in this winter season is a chance to settle in, to celebrate myself, and "be" in one place, trusting that things will come to me if they are meant to be. Without thinking I have to go out and get them (all the time). Though going out is fun ... it ultimately is distracting from what's really important in my life, what's really going on in the inside. Because I get used to living for that high, rather than living at all levels -- the "in here" experience of being who I am as well as the "out there" experience of seeing who you are and who they are and what that's about.....

This blog did start out as a vehicle for me to practice writing and putting it out there, so I could gain experience in it, so maybe one day I could write a book or something..... I am not the entertainer, though I often wish I were... I am more the thoughtful questioner, the introspective examiner of life's patterns.... I hope you, as the listener, reader, and viewer have gotten something of use from reading my blog.

We all have it in us, I believe, to reconsider the way we live our life, what our priorities are, etc. and are we making room for what's really important to us. I know I have trouble with that. I tend to do what's always been expected of me, or what my usual routine is, and sometimes it takes a Mack truck or a big change in perspective to see how chained I have been to "the way it's always been." We need others in our lives to show us that sometimes. We need time for reflection to see things that we ordinarily miss when we're caught up in the action. We need to think back about why that happened and even if we don't know why, it's good to ask ourselves about it. To start thinking about how it all relates. So we can be the one who puts our life together, and not leave it up to our parents, society, or whatever authorities that you particularly defer to.....

And then....before the sun goes down, it's time to go outside in the sunshine! See you in the new year, if I don't see you before!

Oh what a wonderful poem

2009-11-17T14:34:00.000-06:00

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

- Mary Oliver

the land of colors and shadows

2009-10-15T11:14:00.004-05:00

...just sprucing things up in my environment, getting ready for the Autumn to step into the space and wisk me away to some swirling, brisker, nippier, and all-that-stuff land of orange-yellow-red fall foliage and the shadows of our deep selves coming up to be acknowledged and released.

There's wonderful magic afoot!

2009-10-06T13:30:00.001-05:00

What I think is that when there are no more words (I haven't written in ages), it's time for art.

Enjoy! I drew this around 1988 and enjoyed it immensely.

What a load of junk!

2009-09-09T14:05:00.007-05:00

In 1991 the Great Wall of China lost its title as the largest man-made structure in the world to the New York City landfill in Fishkill, New York!

Austin’s own landfill on Highway 290 could swallow up the Texas State Capital today. And they want to expand it.

(I don't know who "they" is, but that's what the blurb said.) (Sorry that I don't have citation for this info. Photo by Chris Jordan.)

Best Environmental Ads -

2009-07-31T09:37:00.003-05:00

This pictures says it all. So stark and compelling. What we do with our "outcasts," "throw-aways," etc. The anawim. According to Matthew Fox, Jesus was on the side of the anawim (those without a voice).


Best Environmental Ads - Powerful Environmental Ads - thedailygreen.com Source: thedailygreen.com

2009-07-16T11:12:00.001-05:00

This cartoon is by Dave Walker.

Summer is here like a blanket ... and a nice glass of tea

2009-06-19T13:41:00.005-05:00

All I can say is that the summertime is wonderful and the summertime is horrible... for getting anything done. The heat, the crickets, the palpable waves of heat... did I mention the heat? Even inside this fortified air-conditioned building on the fourth floor where I work I feel the ennui of it permeating this brick-and-glass skeleton.... no, maybe that's my imagination. It's just there's nobody here except us staff and like strings attached to balloons, I can "feel" the instructors all playing at the beach, running around town doing errands in their Hondas, sipping champagne from fluted glasses, and eating nachos and dip with a beer chaser.... and I am staring at four walls wondering when it's going to end... ha, ha. Got to have a sense of humor about it..... At least I have peace and quiet. That's something you don't see everyday during the school semester with hordes of newly arrived students and waves of brisk-walking instructors with tablets, pens, carts loaded down with markers, glue, scissors, etc. And me with my office keys, to remind me of where I fit in this giant labyrinth.... Oh, the mind of imagination. If only they knew my inner world and how it embellishes the day with strokes of fantasy, interests, and passion......
Sweet Iced Tea by House of Sims on Flickr

it's okay to lighten up now....

2009-05-12T14:40:00.005-05:00

Beautiful flowers I saw at the Art City Austin event on April 25-26, 2009 in Austin, Texas. Saw many, many more tents with lots of beautiful and dynamic work -- a huge variety of work, including crafts and metalwork.

Austin is growing as an arts center as well as music center, and I'm really glad about that (because I make art and love art).

From National Geographic's Gallery: One World, One Tribe

2009-05-08T09:46:00.004-05:00

I just thought this piece was an amazing story, a bit of real history that lept out at me. And such a contrast to our rich democratic American society.

"To escape the firing squad, Gulag prisoners would get the portraits of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin tattooed on their chest. Who would have dared shoot at one of Socialism's heroes? Gennadi Vassilievich had done his military service in the '50s. He had traveled all the way to the Chinese border under Stalin's order. After the collapse of Socialist ideology, Gennadi added a cross.

On the Russian bank of the Amur River, I observed him, staggering along, lost and dressed in rags. Through his half-opened shirt, I saw his tattoo. I came near him and greeted him. I detected fear in his eyes. I introduced myself and asked his name. With difficulty, as though he were scouring his memory, he announced, 'Gennadi Vassilievich,' and started to weep. Then he apologized. "You know, nobody has asked me my name in ten years. Nobody. Ever since the day I was thrown out of the plant where I worked, out of the house I lived in. I have roamed the streets for ten years.'"

Photograph and caption by Reza

http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/photography/photos/reza-one-world/gulag-prisoner.html

cell phone angst and Star Trek

2009-05-06T09:15:00.008-05:00

Okay, it's over. My digital detox "fast" which was really a modified diet of select emails to a few family members and a few friends, plus some indeterminate web surfing in lulls in the work day (horrors!) -- is over.

I've cancelled my internet account at home (my router quit and I seized the opportunity) and tried to turn my new cell phone into the ultimate social device for solace and new "connections." Ha, ha. That's a laugh. Ten million micro-hair-pulling-seconds later, after something approximating an eternity of trying to learn the menus on that cell phone, I have given up and given the Devil his due. Maybe he's the one who designed it (!!)

With that said, the cell phone looks beautiful, anyway. Like one of those Star Trek communicators. It got your attention, right? ... when Captain Kirk flipped it open and spoke into it with bold authority. That's how I imagined I looked when I flipped it open in public and... that's where it stopped. It took me so long to figure out which buttons to press to make a call. And forget it if you're trying to look up your messages or anything like real data on the phone. I don't know how many times I've pushed buttons and followed menus and toggled and back-tracked trying to find my way out... and felt like I was caught in a trap of evil design. Did I say the Devil? I mean the Evil Overlord. You know, @T&T (which is really a front for the largest religious cult in the world... and I could go on and on about this, but really, who would listen?) ..... no, I've already gone back (at least in my head) to the "good old days" of picking up my telephone handset and unthinkingly? blindly? punching in the number and hearing it ring and waiting for someone to pick up. Is there anyone out there? Anyone at all?

Digital Detox Week

2009-04-21T09:37:00.002-05:00

Digital Detox Week | Adbusters Culturejammer Headquarters

Source: www.adbusters.org

Adbusters challenges you to do the unthinkable: unplug. For one week (April 21-26) say good-bye to Twitter and Facebook. Turn off your TV, iPhone andXbox.

I'm doing it, except for posting this and checking business and family email (and even then will call family when time allows and let them know). Already moved the TV into a corner (where it usually has me, ha, ha) and read a novel for a change. Plus it helps that I just got a cell phone for the first time and wanting to spend my "free" time learning how to use it. More later.....but I'm liking it.

Happy Easter

2009-04-10T14:10:00.001-05:00

Happy Easter to you regardless of religious or spiritual persuasion.

More to Life does it again

2009-04-03T10:35:00.000-05:00

I love More to Life!

They've done it again with their new website: http://moretolife.org/. It looks beautiful, especially go to Check it out --> Getting creative.

...clarity, truth, and gratitude....

Facebook rocks!

2009-03-24T10:16:00.000-05:00

This is a little tie-in with Facebook. You both rock - blogger and facebook. Make it easy for me to be on the web.

But there's more here too. ... give me a chance to find it (ha, ha).......

opening to the muse

2009-03-16T08:06:00.000-05:00

IF you have got a living force and you're not using it, nature kicks up back. The blood boils just like you put it in a pot.
- Artist Louise Nevelson

stretched......and how I change that

2009-02-20T09:31:00.001-06:00

This is just to break the inertia of not writing. (At least, that's what is getting me going in writing....)
I read so many other sources online but sometimes hesitate or just plain blank out on what I might want to write about myself. In my blog. I had really high hopes for this blog, but I see that I haven't had a vision or commitment to regular blogging. Which is okay, unless I'm thinking I can "do it all" without a plan. You know, enjoy a good job, maintain good family relations, have fun through hobbies and spending time with friends, etc. Sometimes I try to accomplish a lot doing things I take pride in, such as creating a warm, nurturing home environment, like repairing things around the house, taking care of pets or sick animals, or whatever I'm proud of doing in my life that gives it more meaning. But sometimes the "doing" is just too much and I stop enjoying it and don't even notice it. I'm just going through the motions. And I may not notice it until I realize that I'm depressed, tired, low in energy, dreading what's to come next, etc. Then I need a break. For myself. And it's not always on a schedule.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm too stretched a lot of the time. I am beginning to learn more about what I need emotionally and what helps me to feel my best. So, I've decided to give myself at least one day a week off, with the phone unanswered and the errands put on hold, when I can just be with myself and my two cats -- whether it's laying around with my pajamas on or checking my email and responding only to what interests me. And I know there are even more options (!). For example, I've begun drawing again. That is something I used to love to do and then I stopped. Pressure from daily life to compete, to shop, to clean, to "improve," to "get" something, plus no one in my corner really encouraging me (which I thought I needed). I am learning that I have to take the initiative, that no one else will probably care as much as I do about whether I take the time to do artistic things or not.

It's a hard lesson because it is hard for me to make art when no one is interested and I'm by myself at the house. It's easy to fall back into old, worn-out routines from childhood where the first (and only) priority was to take care of the house or the wash, or do "practical" housekeeping things ..... anything but taking "personal" time for me and my artistic expression. More on this to come....

[Thanks to Matt Groening for his cartoon. Also thanks to http://positivesharing.com/2006/11/top-5-myths-about-workplace-stress/ for the cartoon from their site. Looks like a good website -- check it out.]

Way to go, Obama! and the American people

2009-01-21T16:26:00.000-06:00

In the excitement of the Presidential Inauguration, I went ahead and signed up at Facebook so I could post on the CNN live streaming page. I also posted on the New York Times wall via Facebook. Pretty incredible technology.

This is what I posted yesterday on the New York Times wall:

I think this is great -- being able to share this way. What a trip! And you can see how old I am by that comment. ; ) I am so excited to be sharing my excitement here. This is the first Inauguration that I've felt a part of and my first remembrance of a president was Eisenhower (!) It's always been a bunch of pomp and fluff and dreariness, but this is different.

Way to go, Obama! ... and Biden, *and all the people*, including me, that worked for change and prayed for it and believed in it. If we build it, they will come. Now. I'm excited about the presidency and the gov't. What a change from the Ohio State massacre and Nixon. I would say "black and white" but that metaphor really doesn't apply anymore. How about 180 degrees! Now we can begin to create the world we really want to live in. Bless us all!

More as soon as I can dig my way out of my workload.....

workplace creativity and commitment

2008-12-08T14:38:00.000-06:00

How about this workplace stress reduction photo I found? Totally unrelated to the following piece on the workplace:

"Some employers are under the mistaken impression that paying a salary is enough to earn them an employee's commitment. In fact, employees decide how much of themselves to give to their jobs based not just on financial compensation, but also on how fairly they feel they're treated... how creatively involved they are in the organization... and how meaningful and principled they think their work is.

If people you supervise feel that they are appreciated, intellectually challenged and working for a good cause, you'll receive their full efforts."

I don't have the source info on this quote; sorry about that. I grabbed it on the run.
(Photo Credit: http://members.home.nl/j.dammeijer/index.htm)

Sandy, Miles, Nathan, Mike and Me outside Kerbey Lane

2008-11-14T11:51:00.000-06:00

These are some of the far-flung members of my family. Sandy (my niece) and Miles are from Olympia, Washington and are here to visit us and then go to Galveston to visit Miles' dad. Maybe to stay there for a while....
Mike is working here in town ever since he got out of the army a few years ago.
Nathan is working here in town also in his own therapy practice. See his website at http://www.austintherapist.com/. More info to come.....

My niece Sandy and her boyfriend Miles visit

2008-11-14T10:52:00.000-06:00

Yay for my team; musings on fashion mags

2008-10-02T14:09:00.000-05:00

I just couldn't resist posting this picture when I saw it. I am a fan of both these two, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Senator Barak Obama, who preside over and work in two disparate worlds -- the spiritual and the political. it almost shocked me when I saw it because I had those two worlds separated out in my own mind-- compartmentalized. LIke I had to shift my focus to take in first one, and then another, and then finally both at the same time.

What else have we (sadly) compartmentalized? I know I do that when I read a fashion magazine and then when I look at myself in the mirror and am just glad that I still look okay. Sometimes great, but never wholly "bad." Whatever that is. But I try to never compare myself to the models in the fashion mags, even their clothes. I do get inspired to wear better, but never to take seriously what they are showing as fashion on the streets of NYC or the beaches of Cancun and compare that with what I'm going to wear to HEB. (And never mind the age factor! Don't let me get started on that.)

I used to really get into reading the fashion mags (or People magazine or whatever), and it can become painful when you start comparing their life to yours or their fashion accessory to your dumpy bag from Target. Now when that happens, I drop the mags like a hot potato. I don't have time to argue with Mother Nature or the boss from The Devil Wears Prada. I don't have time to pine away because my hair makes split ends almost as fast as I can make hair. Or my skin is only happy when it's being showered with fresh air and exercise, and not makeup (!!). Except for the eyes. The eyes are okay with makeup. The rest of me wants to breathe!

Okay. That's enough from me right now. I'm outta here! Til next time....

But, hey, let me know if you think I should split this up into two different posts. I might do it. But only if you ask.

Stroke of Insight - Jill Bolte Taylor

2008-09-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

This is the most wonderful video on science/psychology/mind/spirituality I've ever seen! Check it out!

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

family neuroses and just plain love

2008-08-31T20:33:00.000-05:00

I called my sister Cynthia today just on the spur of the moment when I saw her phone number. Didn't know I had her number. (She called me a year or so ago.) She answered and we talked. She relayed some disturbing family news. I was able to feel loving and be loving toward her and she reacted with tears and thanks. It moved me to be able to be in that place where I could offer her that. She's been through so much. She lives in Illinois now, near my father.

I wondered about her relationship to my father, who I have regarded warily and not trusted due to some incidents with him and my brother's feelings against him. But my sister seems to be able to maintain a relationship with him. The more I marveled at how one (wo)man's pride is another (wo)man's poison (or something like that), the more I realized that we all had someone.

We all had some kind of life even if it wasn't very pretty. I thought of an older friend I had who's been like a father to me and how I didn't want to let go of that friendship and counsel. I don't know my father and probably never will -- out of awareness of his mental/emotional limitations -- and my early fearful experiences of him -- but I do have someone that I hold in high esteem and look to for what I didn't get with him. And I emailed him that. Satisfying to let someone dear to you know what they mean to you. Both through words (with my friend) and through actions (with my sister).

things are developing...

2008-08-11T19:46:00.000-05:00

things are developing ... for better or worse .... I think it will all come out in the wash (in 3+ weeks), but til then, I'm trying to lay low and think about the good stuff in my life.... but definitely am thinking about writing about what's happening at work.

Like how much can I say about things here? How much do I want to say? Enough to get my feelings out to feel heard and to get my point across. I'm sick of being silent.

Things have been rotten in Denmark a long time and I've gotten momentarily outraged but never did anything about it...not that I should now. It's just that things have gotten out of hand. I'll leave it at that for now.

Thanks for listening. More to come. Don't have any decent images to get across the doom and gloom I've been feeling....but I also want the bright spot to speak and not just revel in the darkness.

respect for individual rights and dignity

2008-07-22T14:34:00.000-05:00

The following is from a great site I found on the inner child (just so you know it's not me, but what I would write if I could).

For all of the so called progress of our modern societies, we still are far behind most aboriginal cultures in terms of respect for individual rights and dignity in some kind of balance with the good of the whole. (I am speaking here of tribal aboriginal societies - not urbanized ones.) Nowhere is this more evident in terms of our relationship to our children.

Modern civilizations - both Eastern and Western - are no more than a generation or two removed from the belief that children were property. This, of course, goes hand in hand with the belief that women were property. The idea that children have rights, individuality, and dignity is relatively new in modern society. The predominant and underlying belief, as it has been manifested in the treatment of children, has been that children are extensions of, and tools to be used by, their parents.

A very telling insight into the basic beliefs underlying Western attitudes towards children is shared by inner child pioneer Alice Miller in her book The Drama of The Gifted Child. She shares how the 19th Century German Philosophers who laid the groundwork for modern psychology, emphasized the importance of stamping out a child's "exuberance." In other words, a child's spirit must be crushed in order to control them.

Children are to be seen and not heard. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

It is only in very recent history, that our society has even recognized child abuse as a crime instead of an inherent right of the parent. The concept of healthy parenting as a skill to be learned is very new in society.

Any society that does not respect and honor individual human dignity, is going to be a society that does not meet the essential needs of it's members. Patriarchal societies, that demean and degrade women and children, are dysfunctional in their essence.

We form our core relationship with our self and with life - and of course with other people - in early childhood in reaction to the messages we get from the way we are treated and the role modeling of the other people in our lives. We then have no training or initiation ceremonies, no culturally approved grieving process, to help us let go of the old programming and learn a different relationship with our self and life. So, we build upon the foundation laid in early childhood.
As adults, we react to the programming of our childhood. To contend that our childhood emotional wounds have not affected our adult lives is ridiculous. To think that our early programming has not influenced the way we have lived is to be in denial to an extreme.

Because societies standards for what constitutes success are dysfunctional, many people can be pointed out who "have risen above" their past to be a success. It is those people, who are supposedly successful, that are running the world. How good a job do you think they are doing?

Disclaimer: Material on this site is presented for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute for the judgment of a qualified professional who has examined or is treating any individual patient, client or student.

Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D., Email: jjmess@tampabay.rr.com ©1999-2008 James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance Messina, Ph.D. Note: Original materials on this site may be reproduced for your personal, educational, or noncommercial use as long as you credit the authors and website.

How to lose your fear of being fired

2008-07-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

How to Lose Your Fear of Being Fired

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

The risk of being fired is the biggest axe a company or a manager holds over an employee’s head. Yet despite its commonness, we have tacitly accepted the idea that being fired is not only costly and disruptive to employees, their families, and their communities, but is also a shameful thing which should be avoided at all costs. For this reason, many of us will accept untenable conditions at work and go to extraordinary lengths to keep our jobs.

Steps

Adopt a positive attitude that overcomes the threat of being fired. Fear is oppressive and threatening, and it can cause one anxiety over many of one's actions or thoughts. Anxious employees are less productive, because they fear making the wrong decision or saying the wrong thing and because they avoid complaining about any problems they encounter. Moreover, chronic stress hits employees' health hard. Make a resolution that you will not tolerate working in a state of fear.

Learn not to feel as if being fired is such a horrible or embarrassing situation. Do not walk around with your head hanging down, fearful that someone will find you sitting in the park instead of being on the job. Many are fired for reasons other than their job performance or ability to function in the office environment. Often being fired is a blessing, as it actually enables you to get out of a rut and find a job more to your liking and better suited to your abilities.
Understand that many common reasons people get fired are often not as a result of the employee's own faults or behavior . The only major exceptions are situations where a person is fired for harassing or abusive behavior, or if a person has a history of repeatedly being fired or plain lazy and uncooperative. Even then, it is possible for a fired person to get another chance if he or she is confident and can make the appropriate (or strategic) changes in his or her approach to working life. If you are fired for one of the following reasons, you have been unlucky, but preparing for contingencies can help you move forward..
- Personality mismatch - You remained because of the money, but actually you were not happy with the surroundings. The attitudes of the people around you were not compatible with yours. The work was repetitious and became boring, the staff were not friendly and the entire environment was not comfortable. Being fired is probably a blessing, as it frees you to search for employment that is a better match for your experience and personality.
- Skills mismatch - When you applied for the job, you were not fully aware of the full responsibilities of the job or the potential hardships it contained. This might be because the person who hired you did not accurately judge whether your skills and experience would match the job description or was lax in making things clear enough. Another possibility is where the job duties were switched on you after you were hired. If so, while it did not work out, at least you tried. Think positive as you will have better luck elsewhere.
- Refusing to go along - Standing up for your beliefs, refusing to be dishonest or to overlook faulty business practices and being fired for it is not a slur on you; you should be proud for standing up for what is right.
- Downsizing - Thousands of people are downsized every day. It's not their fault. It's an impersonal technique by which companies raise the value of their stock. The company itself may be moving to different countries to lower expenses. In this economic state, it could happen more often. The bosses don't take great pleasure to force a closure of a company with so much history behind it.
- Unreasonable - If you became pregnant or needed to take time off to tend to a sick child, and if you put in a request for a short leave of absence and were fired, it had nothing to do with you. Do not blame yourself. You might even be able to sue the company in this case for job discrimination.
Make being fired less of a problem even though it creates more problems. Economic uncertainty is the most difficult result of being fired. Not knowing how you will pay the bills or how to tell the kids you cannot buy them the new computer they wanted can cause many sleepless nights. Suddenly your mortgage payment seems even larger, and you are concerned about your kids' college savings.
- Increase your work options by developing your personal and professional skills and cultivating a solid network.
- Diversify your resources. Increase your investments, start your own business, or organize with the labor movement.
- Keep your consumption as low as you possibly can, so that you’re not 100% dependent on that pay check every month. That means not eating out or going to the movies for awhile. Cultivate healthy and cheap avocations instead, such as hiking, walking, gardening, reading, and getting together with friends to play music. You may even have to give up smoking]]. That probably would be the best thing that could come out of being fired.

Tips

Explaining to a prospective employer that you were fired is a lingering concern. If you are ashamed of losing your job or believe that having been fired reflects badly on you, such low self-esteem will be evident in your job interviews. Much better for you to hold your head up high and explain the circumstances exactly, without emotion and factually. Convey an attitude of: “I was fired for X reasons but I have gathered myself together and I move on.” Employers will make an issue out of it if you do not demonstrate the truth, clear facts and a responsible future-projected attitude. Provided you explain it correctly, an employer is more likely to see a person with the right attitude and get-up-and-go needed in the new company, along with someone who has had experience of hardship and moved through it successfully.

It is not smart to be willing to spend your work life going along with just about anything simply to hang on to a job that isn’t good for you.
Consult a lawyer. Some conflicts at work involve disagreement about what is legal, or whether to follow the law. Whistle blowers who report violations may have legal protections, and may consider raising their concerns outside the normal chain of command. If the conflict arises from a fraud to obtain money from the government, whistle blowers may need to follow special procedures to protect their rights. The False Claims Act requires that whistle blowers with original knowledge of such fraud be the first to file their claim, and refrain from public disclosure of certain information about their claim. Such legal constraints are likely to punish you for whistle blowing and prevent you from helping the public. Because U.S. law focuses on protecting property owners, whistle blower legal protection is poor, and you may consider discreetly directing evidence to a progressive journalist, rather than pursuing legal channels.
If your career field has a heavy turnover you shouldn't be ashamed to move forward with your head held high. You can always explain to future employers that the field had heavy turnover and termination and downsizing were common. Emphasize that you are looking for a career at a stable company where loyalty and good work are appreciated.
If you are in a heavy turnover career or your company has started increasing the number of terminations, you should start looking for something more stable if you fear your job is in danger.
Just because firings are happening all around you it doesn't mean your job is in danger. They may appreciate you more than you think. If morale is low around the company because of layoffs, go to your boss and let them know. Offer to help plan a office party or other morale builder.

Sources and Citations

Positive Sharing Original source of this article. Shared with permission.

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Lose Your Fear of Being Fired. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

what's happening at the u of t

2008-07-21T13:32:00.001-05:00

what's happening at work shouldn't happen to a dog. (!!) At a large university in a blue city in a red state, on the third coast........ this is where it's happening...
...in an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.... where I work on the 4th floor of the Sanchez building....

I would rather not be "negative," but I will not ignore the truth or deny it or sugar coat it. What about social justice? Have we all become so numb and complacent and apathetic that we ignore that which we don't want to see? I, more than anyone I know, would much prefer harmony and tolerance. In fact, that's what I work daily for, on a personal basis. With myself. But not all people share my love of harmony. Some prefer greed or power or whatever.....

I usually keep a low profile and stay out of the way (and do a great job under sometimes difficult circumstances), but enough is enough. This is where it's going to come out, since I want to keep my job until I have another one.

How to make money on the internet

2008-07-21T10:07:00.001-05:00

This article provides a no-nonsense, bare bones guide to setting up your own money making websites

read more | digg story

Anne Lamott is my fave!

2008-07-10T15:48:00.000-05:00

I love Anne Lamott. I just finished reading her book, Grace (Eventually), Thoughts on Faith. Had read Plan B, Traveling Mercies, Operating Instructions, and Bird by Bird. She is such a gifted writer and sardonic muse.

I love finding someone who I can relate to. Well. Really well. Of course, I have different circumstances -- a different growing-up, family-of-origin, etc., but I can relate to her non-mainstream view of religion and her attention to the details of living that usually go unnoticed. And her wonderful and abundant compassion. For herself as well as others (which is sometimes hard -- we all have been taught to love they neighbor, but the part about loving the self often gets lost or obscured or else we try to love ourselves with food, alcohol, shopping,etc.) Now, I can't really write about her charms as well as others (who do that for a living), but I can say that I find her funny, cogent , enlightening, uplifting, and confirming.

To me, she represents the power of the human spirit (I know this is a hack-neyed concept) to take stock, to report with dignity all the infirmities one endures and is aware of, and to trace a path back to the Center -- a place of love and Grace -- where the Spirit directs and guides and we rest in a state of bliss.

green plants and growing things

2008-05-09T11:20:00.000-05:00

This is my house now. seems like it's all about green and plants and cats and warm air.... though that's not a bad thing.... i'm just reveling in it......

2008-04-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

It's time to start planting those roses...and daffydills... and anything else you can get your hands on.... I say this metaphorically. Plant those seeds. You never know when they'll grow to something beautiful and enriching for your life.... be it friends, acquaintances, hobbies and interests... anything you always wanted to do -- including the hard stuff like cleaning out closets, going through paperwork, calling for a financial planner to help you with your scattered lifestyle (talking to myself here).

And I mean "scattered" in the most forgiving way. Because all that energy that goes out to here, there, and everywhere comes back to me, if not in tangible ways, then in increased satisfaction in life, feelings of connection with life, being on the pulse of life.

But sometimes you gotta rein in that energy and take stock of what you want to leave to this world after you're gone. What you want to be remembered for (if that's not too schmaltzy). Definitely what you want to stake a claim to in your life -- especially if you've felt - as I have at times -- like you've been drifting. I know what Mae West said: I used to be Snow White, but then I drifted. Well I don't mean it like that, ha, ha. I mean pick your constellation of things, your constellation of people, places, and activities and bless them. Labor for them, give yourself to them, stand up for them. Then you'll be known. And not just as the volunteer for one time last year or the year before, someone whose name we can't remember or the employee that seems nice, but what ever happened to her, etc. I'm talking about deciding who and what you want to be "for" and then going after it. Staking your claim, not matter what you think "they" will say or "they" will think, or even what you might think in your self-doubting times...

There are bright lights that are sometimes hidden in the darkest night and you can't see them with a searchlight, but you can with a perceptive nature and loving heart. You learn where they are by how you feel when they're not there. And you come to trust them and remember them and look toward them to lead your way.

the beginning of a new chapter.....

2008-01-18T20:21:00.000-06:00

This is about the beginning of a new chapter ... in my life.... Now, before you go, "oh, yeah, right!" Let me tell you more .... there are seeds ... and there are patterns in raindrops. Not just random, you see, but small tell-tale signs that you can see you're heading for the waterfall and if you're lucky or very, very attentive, you can high-tail it out of the boat before the rapids come.... or so they tell me. The old ones, you know, the ones who traveled the earth before the rains came and melted the crops with acid that etched our trees and houses with the fine dust of a million acid rains. Those old ones. The last ones to see the automobile, the train, the commuter copter -- all those motors based on oil and gas and burnin' up a dirt road.... Haven't had 'em for a long time - about 50 years or more. Since we dug up the last of the oil reserves in Antarctica and the Ice Melts flooded London and New York and about all the coastal areas there are. There was such a rage and panic that the safest thing to do was to deliver your vehicle to the city center and abandon it there. For you weren't going to get any gas to keep it up. Not with all them folks drowned and cities submerged under water and people everywhere rioting.

Not that I minded, though. I was living in Austin at the time and it was fairly peaceful still. We didn't get hit directly by the Melts. Just the hordes of people coming up north from Galveston who crowded into our city's hotels, motels, and homeless shelters. People started getting riled, though. They couldn't tell which way was up with all the directives coming from the government, which was supposed to make things clearer, but instead muddled it up. What with the feds arguing with the state and the local bosses even having their own ideas about things, and no one wanting to repeat the mistakes of New Orleans ... you couldn't get one definite agreement on what was happening without hearing new accounts which confirmed or contradicted what you already knew. And everyone was depending on the news, but since all the reporters had been assigned to the Russian Gulag and the networks broken up in anti-trust legislation, there was no centralized source of news anymore. With every citizen having their own internet connector, there was no need for it. Everyone was free to seek out their own news and post their own views. So different from the broadcast days of old when the Voice of Truth came in two or three varieties, though they all told the same story only in different makeup. Now you couldn't tell how many stories there were. But still the biggest ones were known to all. Like how .....
(to be continued)
[photo from PhotoDisc at i.abcnews.com]

Happy, happy, happy....

2008-01-10T15:41:00.000-06:00

I am happy. I just ran my usual couple of miles at the park by the lake and before that, got my wireless internet connection set up and going. Only took 3 hours, talking to 3 tech guys (made a couple of dates... just kidding), and now the internet world has opened up for me.
Well, actually the thing that precipitated this post is getting email from two unexpected sources - a new friend, who is multi-talented (I'll tell you more about her later), and a viewer who left a comment on my blog (YAY!) Such a thrill! Either it's been way too long since I had some positive feedback on the blog or else I am easily satisfied with the simple pleasures of life, but either way, I am happy, happy, happy.

Puts me in mind of the saying from Abraham: Happy, Healthy, Dead. This means that there's not a lot of time to put it off - Life is too precious. Whatever you want to do, start it now. And before I start thinking of all the quotations that might be appropos here, let me end this for now.... more to follow.... thanks.....

am moving

2008-01-04T10:19:00.001-06:00

I am moving from my office to a new office in the main area of the
department. It's not a happy move. New job responsiblities, new
co-workers, new office, new work arrangement, etc. But I am
determined to make it work - for me. I am determined to prosper from
what I learn and do ... as a stepping stone to what's next for me.
And there is something next -- and new -- for me on the horizon.

I haven't taken the time to write during the holidays but want to
start up again now. My blog may change intention a little - we'll
see. Meanwhile, I hope you are yours are gazing up at the stars at
night -- at least metaphorically - so you don't lose sight of what's
up there. Of what's all around us.....

Laura
--
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Laura D. Havlick
Administrative Assistant
Curriculum Studies/Social Studies
Curriculum & Instruction Dept.
University of Texas at Austin

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T15:15:00.001-05:00

Happy Halloween!

self-musing....

2007-10-12T09:50:00.001-05:00

I haven't self-mused in a few weeks. Maybe that's what's missing, ha, ha. Not sure, but wanted to document that I feel a pull whenever art comes up. It happened last night on PBS when the Austin artist Bydee was talking about his work and different pieces were shown, and then I noticed it when looking through my email and deciding what to read. I kept skipping over Robert Genn's (Art) newsletter to save me grief. What's that about? To save for later, and savor (at some time in the future). But I keep putting it off - that moment of getting to it (finally) like I have more important things to do, or more pressing things, or things related to my survival.... So, I keep putting off my bliss and my enchantment with life. Hmmm....like I'm saving my cookies til it's really raining. Til I'll really need them.

But what about "if you don't use it, you lose it," or shorter: "you snooze, you lose"? If I don't collect my cookies now, will they be there in the future? Are they a finite resource, and I better "get 'em while the gettin's good?" Or will it always be there? It's something about what I learned to do as a child, in clean up the house before you sit down (and relax in it) or do your homework and then you can go out and play. But sometimes it gets out of balance and it becomes all work and no play. At least not much play. Watching a favorite TV show at the end of a long day of cleaning and taking care of, is not much play. Not much imagination in that. Or much joy. It can be savored but it's quickly boring. I don't think joy would be boring. It could be ecstatic, quiet, peaceful, uplifting, but not boring.
Which brings me to joy .... and pleasure ... and why do I avoid it? To avoid feeling disappointed, getting my feelings hurt, having it taken away or being somehow restricted from enjoying it? More hmmmmm......

Or am I just putting off what I could have now...and then more later?

life and minor surgery

2007-10-03T14:02:00.000-05:00

... life goes on ... but I definitely feel different. I had minor surgery last week to remove a small lipoma - a benign tumor about the size of a big wad of chewing gum from my right cheek. I had begun to notice it a few years back, but was hoping no one else would. I couldn't imagine paying for plastic surgery so I figured my preoccupations with it were idle concerns. Until the first time a friend asked whether I had the mumps.... Though I knew she was extraordinarily perceptive, I knew it was just a matter of time before others noticed and I would have to claim it.

I have always held a (barely conscious) belief in the importance of "being perfect," in physical form. So much so that when I was in my twenties, and discovered a patch of dryness on my leg that seemed to have no outward cause, I balked at the idea of some part of me not being "perfect." So, with this anomaly, I once again bumped up against my notion of physical perfection and how I had so identified with it early on. Very odd - that little pocket of absolutist thinking that had escaped detection until now.

At first, I tried out different ideas (or even rationalizations) about my face - that I had always had it (the fatty pad), which meant it was a natural part of me that didn't need to be removed, that it was natural because God had made me, etc. And I looked for ways to camoflauge it - with my hair all bushy and combed forward or trying blusher to define a cheekbone that wasn't there. I even considered the value of turning slightly to one side instead of facing someone directly, so it wouldn't be as obvious. But I bristled at that idea because I defined myself as direct in my communication and didn't want to change. (Form follows function. Would function follow form?)

I used to watch the Extreme Makeover shows and muse about what I would have done, if given the chance, and what I would not. It raised my consciousness not only of life's little "imperfections," but also of how we much we as a culture value how we look on the outside, and that beauty is defined as being symmetrical and "perfect" (meaning without flaw).

I ran through the gamut of what it could mean to my life, and tried to find a way to relate to it in the Japanese word Wabi-sabi, the "'Japanese art of appreciating the imperfect, the primitive, the incomplete,' .... Wabi-sabi asks that we 'set aside our judgements and our longing for perfection,' and concentrate instead on 'the beauty of things as they are'" (Publishers Weekly, Amazon.com).

I stole looks at my face in private until I could live with it. Then I began to be more proactive and point it out to people - close friends at first, then family, and then work colleagues, in order to call attention to it before they did, and thus render my embarassment mute. At first it was awkward but it worked. By naming it and owning it, I was no longer trying to live in the shadow of myself. And even though some friends said they couldn't tell if I hadn't had mentioned it, I wasn't so sure. But their kindness and discretion was noted and appreciated.

I finally came to terms with my face, through introducing the subject on my own and after repeated scrutinizations. I measured the width and depth of it, the look and feel of it, and somehow gained some kind of acceptance of it. It became part of my picture of myself, no longer a stranger -- not entirely perfect, but not rancid either. A "human" part of me.

In the "coming out" of it, I grew courageous (and accepting) enough to mention it to my doctor to see what he would say. He referred me to a plastic surgeon; I began to research about it on the internet. The plastic surgeon referred me to an Otolaryngology/Head and Neck Surgeon who successfully and easily removed it. (A bit of a wizard, was he.)

It was funny that after the surgery, upon looking at myself, it was like looking at someone else, like someone I could have been if I hadn't had that fatty pad in my cheek. I hadn't realized it til then, but I had incorporated the look of my face into who I was. I had started expressing the funny, kooky side of myself more. Now however, I was face to face with another, more womanly, more stately self. She was a mystery to me.

But I am glad to see her and I know we will become as close friends as my old pal, the clown was.

Note the "before" picture was at a party (smiling) and the "after" picture was after surgery (the drugged look).

Swamping the boat and Hakomi

2007-09-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

Swamping the boat refers to how it is sometimes when circumstances or events seem to press harder and faster than you can go, or when you have a deadline that is totally eating your lunch ... there goes another metaphor..... For some people, having a deadline helps to put wind in your sails (as revered author Brad Brown said), and at other times or for other people, it swamps the boat.

Useful to know. How you are with the circumstances of your life - the deadlines posed from outside and the deadlines posed from within...? We want to do things on our schedule. At least, I do. I want to make it work according to my picture.

Therein lies the rub. We're not in control. That's the bad news -- while we're busy trying to get into control or take control or just can't take our hands off the wheel while the car is going over the cliff ..... and the good news -- when we finally get it that we don't have to be in control -- we can let go and let God. That's a wonderful relief ... at least for a few minutes ... and if we (by we, I mean "I"), can just remember - keep reminding ourselves that it's okay to let it go. It's okay to not hold on to the it of existence. The minutae and the details and the who said what to whom, but just bask in the glory of existence. To see the sweep in life, instead of a dreary plodding or a preoccupation with bean-counting.

A grace, instead of a punishment. A light if we will only look for it. Which brings me to Hakomi, which is a Hopi Indian word which means "How do you stand in relation to these many realms?

In this instance, I am refering to Hakomi Therapy, a body-centered therapy, of which ...

"Some of the origins ... stem from Buddhism and Taoism, especially concepts like gentleness, compassion, mindfulness, and 'going with the grain.' Other influences come from general systems theory, which incorporates the idea of respect for the wisdom of each individual as a living organic system that spontaneously organizes matter and energy, and selects from the environment what it needs in a way that maintains its goals, programs, and identity."

More on this soon. ; ) But there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. Or am I awash in metaphor?

tree trimmers, snafus, and life

2007-08-23T08:59:00.000-05:00

What this is about is all the snafus that occur in our days.... The tree trimmers that I met with 2+ weeks ago to cut some branches that are growing onto my roof (who have just now contacted me to do the job) ... the lawnmower shop that took my lawn mower in June to fix, saying it would take 6 weeks or more, and when I called in August, they said they couldn't repair that type (electric) and I had to go pick it up. ?....and why did they say they could do it in the first place? (??!!) ...and after all that, the mower started right up.

And, boy was I glad! I had been relying on a combination of friend's mower (which I had to go get), pushmower (slippery when wet) and weedeater (back-breaker). I got to where I started pulling the grass out with my hands (!!) ....which was easy because all the rain softened the ground. Now I am happy to say that I have a full lawn of some ground cover other than grass - something like clover. (And no, I didn't pull all that grass out myself.) The "clover" seems to have just taken over and it doesn't need half as much mowing : ) So I'm happy. I guess my persistence (and a little luck or positive ju-ju) paid off.

Now back to snafu-city. What do you do with a friend who misreads how important some mutual plans are to you and backs out, feigning forgetfulness? Well, what I've done, after all the strum and dang (is that right? got to look that up. It's German) is let it go. But still can't help wondering about it. Is all of life a big snafu? Are we all just test cases to see how well we'll do under the influence of snafu-pressure?

The funny thing is that a part of me wants to insist that it be done this way, or that this way is "right." What is that? Virginia Satir said there were more than ....[umpteen] ways to wash dishes. No one right way. Yes, but isn't there such a thing as order? Logic? Integrity? Accountability? Are those concepts too authoritarian to have any use in our lives?

After all is said and done -- and sometimes this takes a long time -- I'll go with love, compassion, forgiveness (of course), and letting go. Though I depend on logic and integrity, I practice compassion and forgiveness - maybe because those don't come as automatic. They have to be "worked at" - to that extent that anything as sublime can really be "worked at." But that's what it takes sometimes - compassion and forgiveness. See where it can take you.

Where were you in the 60's?

2007-08-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

Where were you in the 60's?
I apologize for not keeping up with this blog. I don't know how many people might be keeping track of it.... but I got side-tracked trying to put together an art group. But that's another story....

I just saw a PBS documentary about the 60's and it was excellent! I learned a lot of things I didn't know, the most meaningful being that on the eve of the biggest anti-war demonstration to date - with 2 million participating across the country - that Nixon was considering threatening North Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia with nuclear weapons in order to end the war, and that because of that demonstration, he decided not to. It would've been the first use of nuclear weapons (I think that's what they said. I guess Hiroshima and Nagasaki weren't nuclear.) The pictures especially of the hippies and demonstrations really brought me back to those times. I was only 6 when the decade started and 14 in 1968, but definitely felt part of a movement bigger than all of us. I wish I had been older and had been able to participate more in the demonstrations and concerts (I barely missed out on Woodstock. I was only 16 and didn't have friends old enough to drive there from where I lived in New Jersey).

I was really pleased with the thought put into this documentary. They included balanced coverage from both sides of the political spectrum with interviews from McNamara, Kissinger, and Buchanan as well as Arlo Guthrie, Tom Hayden, Howard Zinn and others whose names I can't remember. It showed the wide scope of the times, including the race riots, the occupation of university offices at Columbia University, the demonstrations at UC-Berkely and Kent State, the assassinations of Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. , and described how the political landscape changed over time. (I didn't know what the Pentagon Papers were (!!) Now I do.) It was really clarifying for me. I think the main thing I got from it was that we, the people do have power and if we but believe and act for what we value, then change can happen. And that the more people involved, the more powerful we are.

One of the social activists on the left acknowledged that many who demonstrated against the war did not vote in the election with Nixon and Humphrey, and that it was a mistake. That the election was very close, with Nixon winning by only 1% or something. And that the ones who demonstrated slammed Humphrey and ignored Nixon. I had no idea. I am glad he acknowledged it as a mistake, because it also shows how important a vote can be in tipping the scales.

I know there are lots of others who can do better social commentary than me, but this time, I wanted to take the opportunity to write something about what I learned - which has amazing relevance today. I am proud to be a baby boomer, and proud to be a left-leaning liberal, and ex-hippie (though it really was before my time). I still enjoyed the excitement of the times and the gentle message of the hippie culture (before the excess of drugs) of peace and love.

Pictures of my friend's lazure painted house

2007-07-25T14:07:00.000-05:00

Back in May, my friend Becca Lincoln decided to paint some of her walls with a lazure technique which produces walls of very light pastel color with a luminous quality. It involves diluting paint many times with water and applying several coats over time to the wall with a special brush. The light will catch the color different ways depending on the angle you are looking from. There's a much better description on the websites I found through Google, such as: http://www.lazure.com/
http://www.lazurepainting.com/
http://www.lazurebylogsdon.com/

These websites have beautiful pictures of the work of these lazure artists, so check it out if you can.

The lazure painting technique is used widely in Europe to add a healing atmosphere to hospitals, etc. as well as to bring relaxation and creativity to Waldorf Schools and business conference rooms and, and of course, to bring charm and a meditative quality to bedrooms and other rooms in private homes. (My friend actually had it done mainly in her livingroom, front hall, and dining nook. She used yellow, green, blue, rose/crimson, and purple for beautiful effect.)

More photos of her house can be seen at my Flickr webpage: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lauradeanne (also see Links to the right)

summertime photos

2007-07-10T16:40:00.000-05:00

This is Esperanza and me. She is a friend of mine, actually niece to a friend. We are having a good time visiting at her aunt's office at the University of Texas.

Artists talk about where to show their work

2007-07-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

Artist Robert Genn's "click-backs" on his last week's newsletter on Context -
This particular newsletter is about deciding where to show your (art) work and what kind of response you might get. Many artists from all over the country (and the world) responded and he posted their responses on his website at http://clicks.robertgenn.com/context.php.

Wonderful - the feedback I read from all these artists. Gave me great insight into how they view their work and the type of decisions to be made in doing artwork that you want to sell.

one of my closest friends and my son

2007-06-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

Needless to say, I'm very proud of him.

Wholistic Art Group

2007-06-08T14:09:00.000-05:00

Come join the ** Wholistic Art Group ** on Sunday, June 24, 3:30-5:30pm at The Work Shop, 1211 W 6th St., Austin, Texas. (www.theworkshopaustin.com)

We will be making art in this wonderful new space and enjoying a blissful respite from the heat!

I want to create art within an empowered community of kindred spirits. What is important is that we have a shared purpose, a time to get together, and each other for encouragement, ideas, and support.

My intention is to allow it to evolve according to what I learn as I go, and one big change is to add healing as part of my vision of art-making in community.

(See Art as a Healing Force, http://www.artashealing.org/)

wildflower excursions

2007-05-23T11:54:00.001-05:00

New photos! These were taken on the University of Texas campus. The tree was at the bridge by San Jacinto going west and toward the running track.

The flowers are part of the Blanton Museum grounds near where I work at MLK, Jr. Blvd. So nice of them to let that portion of their grounds be all wildflowers!

Identity

2007-05-21T09:57:00.000-05:00

Identity. What is it? Things you tell yourself about who you are? What other people have told you? What you learned as a child? How do we form our identities and then depend on them so much to get us through?

What stories do you tell yourself about who you are? What aspects make you feel "good" about yourself and what aspects make you feel "bad," ie, things you like and things you don't like.

Why are we identified with those roles, self-images, pictures of ourselves, unless something happens to us which make us question them?

I'm not the strong, silent, independent person I thought I was, and yet I'm stronger in a different way, and self-reliant, and yet also can remember the me that feels weak, that feels like whining, that feels dependent upon someone to take care of me. These are all inside, but the exact combination of "strong" that I used to think I was, is no more. There is no need for it, because I've learned that it is a fake "strong." It was a "strong" based on how it looked on the outside, based on how others looked on the outside, based on being a certain way and looking a certain way. That shell has long cracked and a more fluid sense of self has emerged instead.

Could that be what they're talking about in The Hidden Side of Happiness: Pleasure only gets you so far. A rich, rewarding life often requires a messy battle with adversity, in Psychology Today online (see Favorite Links).

This article was thought-provoking, because I didn't expect pop psychology to address what seems the antithesis of pop psychology - a situation where there are no easy answers. An experience, a concept more similar to a spiritual experience or a philosophy than a "scientific" study. But oh, so liberating....

It reminded me of about 10 different books I have read and several workshops I have participated in.

doldrums and what Grandfather would say

2007-05-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

...doldrums time of year .... school's out (at least for university) ... but not quite time for summer session .... and my birthday's nearing and as my anticipation is overcome by anxiety at not having it be just that certain way that I want it to be, I remember the words of my old Grandfather .....

Okay, that's made up but not the part about my inner deal with wanting it to be a certain way vs. giving up and trying to make the best of it on my own ....

... but what would Grandfather say to me if he could? Well, my make-believe Grandfather would say: "the world is my oyster." No, that was my Father-in-law. Grandfather would say to neither be swayed by praise nor criticism, but hold to the middle way, the way of moderation, or something like that. (My Grandfather would have deep Eastern religious roots.) Anyway, that's what really works for me, because I sometimes feel like a lost balloon that goes floating along in the sky all around the town -- it's lots of fun while I'm out there exploring, but hell to pay when it's time to find my way home again.

Or alternately, I could imagine being pulled this way and that, like taffy, til I'm finally pulled too thin. And then I have to spend some time reconstituting myself with sugar and some TLC.

But right now, let's go with the balloon imagery. It satisfies something inside me that would really like to do that right now. The dirty dishes can wait!

Just imagine looking out the window and seeing a red balloon flying away up high in the sky. That'll be me.

how the political is personal

2007-05-04T09:02:00.000-05:00

http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2007/05/04/gop_debate/print.html

excerpt from Make room for Daddy

At the Reagan Library, the GOP's 2008 contenders compete for the Gipper's mantle -- and for the title of Most Macho.

By Michael Scherer

May. 04, 2007 | Ten Republican men gathered on a stage Thursday night to pound their chests. Each of them looked tough. Each talked tough. Each tried to be the alpha dog, the real-deal decider, the next Ronald Reagan....
... It was hard to miss the point. Republicans have a different code than Democrats. Liberals elect leaders with finesse and style, men or women who can inspire, who can seek out the truth and lead the nation there. When the Democratic presidential candidates debated last week, the front-runners were modest and reasonable and calm. Republicans, on the other hand, elect father figures, men who will never flinch and will always lay down the law. The candidates came out swinging.

Eight years ago, President George W. Bush looked as though he would pass this test. But he turned out to be a ninny. He led the conservative movement into a period of decadence and decline. He revealed the limits of American power by sending the nation into a losing foreign war. So the Grand Old Party has reached back to the past, to Ronald Reagan, the great California cowboy who never sweated the details. The Republican primary has become, in many ways, a fatherhood audition. Only a man's man will save us.
...
For their first debate, Democrats traveled to an all-black college in South Carolina, where they were greeted by the vibrant gyrations of a step marching band. It was a place of the people, noisy, confusing, teeming with humanity. Republicans, by contrast, chose the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, a stucco-sided monument to masculinity. The public was not permitted past the front gate. Protesters had to rent a prop plane, which circled overhead, dragging a banner ....
...
Giuliani continues to poll well nationally, but land mines await. In perhaps the most jarring moment of the debate, the candidates called one-by-one for the reversal of Roe v. Wade, which guarantees women the option of abortion. Then the question got to Giuliani. "It would be OK," he said of reversing Roe, heretically noncommittal. [Emphasis added.] Later he used the language of Democrats. "I would respect a woman's right" to an abortion, he said.

In the spin room, Giuliani's own pollster, Ed Goeas, estimated that about one in five Republican primary voters will not support a pro-choice candidate. His senior advisor, Jim Dyke, acknowledged that a Giuliani victory could redefine the party. ... All this places a heavy burden on the former New York mayor. For him to win, he will have to change the politics of abortion as we know it. He will have to revamp the GOP. A trick like that could make winning in Iraq look easy.
...
MSNBC's Chris Matthews, the moderator of the debate, gave some opening remarks and then abandoned the candidates to wait. ... The Republican field was on its own. It was make or break time, the end of the beginning of the campaign season. They had to take a deep breath and face the cameras like the men they wanted so much to be.

- By Michael Scherer

From Posted Letters about this article:

Father Figures

Mr. Scherer is correct -- perhaps more correct than he knows -- when he refers to the Republican candidates as father figures.

For anyone attempting to understand the mindset of Conservatives and Liberals, there is nobody more helpful than George Lakoff. His book, "Moral Politics: How Liberals and Conservatives Think," is a gem of clarity.

Well, the progressive worldview is modeled on a nurturant parent family. Briefly, it assumes that the world is basically good and can be made better and that one must work toward that. Children are born good; parents can make them better. Nurturing involves empathy, and the responsibility to take care of oneself and others for whom we are responsible. On a larger scale, specific policies follow, such as governmental protection in form of a social safety net and government regulation, universal education (to ensure competence, fairness), civil liberties and equal treatment (fairness and freedom), accountability (derived from trust), public service (from responsibility), open government (from open communication), and the promotion of an economy that benefits all and functions to promote these values, which are traditional progressive values in American politics.

The conservative worldview, the strict father model, assumes that the world is dangerous and difficult and that children are born bad and must be made good. The strict father is the moral authority who supports and defends the family, tells his wife what to do, and teaches his kids right from wrong. The only way to do that is through painful discipline — physical punishment that by adulthood will become internal discipline. The good people are the disciplined people. Once grown, the self-reliant, disciplined children are on their own. Those children who remain dependent (who were spoiled, overly willful, or recalcitrant) should be forced to undergo further discipline or be cut free with no support to face the discipline of the outside world.

The above is from an interview Lakoff did for the Berkeley US News.
-- J. Mandel

Family portrait

2007-05-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

Happy family. This is a picture of my brother and his family, which I took recently. It's amazing how they all have their own unique personalities and yet come together so well.

They are, from left to right, Damian, Laura, Nate, Devereux, and in front, Nathan.

It's one of those "treasure those moments because they'll be gone before you know it." But for now, life is all about youngsters growing into teenagers....

What do I want to tell you about?

2007-04-24T14:32:00.000-05:00

What do I want to tell you about? A few days ago, I saw a PBS show on Irshad Manji who is ...

... the internationally best-selling author of The Trouble with Islam Today: A Muslim’s Call for Reform in her Faith. Through a new lens, this questioning Muslim takes a journey to reconcile her faith in Allah with her love of freedom. Along the way, she reveals the personal risks — emotional and physical — that come with such an urgent mission. The result is FAITH WITHOUT FEAR.

I was very impressed with Irshad. I emailed her for her picture, but so far I have just gotten back an automatic reply. I plan to write her again and to get familiar with what she's saying and learn a little about Islam and her culture. Mostly, I was impressed with her clarity of thought and courage in speaking up and doing so without resentment and blame. It's not so much that she was logical (in what I've heard so far), as that she is open-minded and yet cuts through all the dogma (and superstition and judgments) with ease.

What I found amazing, was that I understood her and could relate to her easily. She seemed to be speaking for me in some instances. This part is harder to explain but I come from a southern Baptist family background and was steeped in the tradition of rigid rules and codes of behavior that go along with that, combined with just plain ole Southern mores and small town predjudices and do's and don'ts. I have spent most of my adult life challenging the narrow mindset that I grew up with. Irshad has challenged some of what her mother has taught her and (which her mother still believes) about her religion and I found myself strangely moved by Irshad's clarity and strength. To me, this kind of intelligence and courage is to be recognized and applauded. It is not clouded by political manueverings (as far as I can tell) or anything related to flattering, pleasing, persuading (except to think it through), pretending, obfuscating, or denying. It is just stating the facts and knowledge gleaned by going to the source - the Quran (Koran) and paying attention to how people interpret it and live it -- what they do in its name.

This is a high achievement for someone in our time and with this volatile an issue, but even more so for a woman, seeing how women are not given much respect or say-so in the Islamic culture. That's why I say: what a breath of fresh air!

musings on grey skies and clay earth

2007-04-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Today I feel like I'm stuck in the earth... and I don't mean in a good way... but mired so to speak in the heaviness of it all - clay mud and grey skies and damp, humid breezes.... There's something so earthy about it and even though I'm a Taurus and that's our stuff, I feel stuck in it somehow... like I can't transcend this earthly plane no more.

My thoughts drop like heavy raindrops into a too-wet, swampy earth. And though there are a myriad of plants (and adventures) awaiting, I am glued to the spot and feel more in common with the common housefly than with the wingéd imagination of Mercury or the blazing glory of Zeus. Not that I *should* be tracing the heavens in a silver chariot, but the thought has always gotten me out of bed before .... now my feet are lead and my head is cotton-puffy and my enigmatic expression due to a practiced persona rather than anything particulary intelligent going on inside my head.

Ah well, it's a void-of-course moon and that means that the energies are good for napping, answering email, getting caught up on things, etc. So I'm in good company. Plus it's always helpful to have time to digest the experiences of one's life, rather than always rushing down the lane from one adventure to the next. How else can we understand the forces at work? How else can we feel properly? Certainly not from overexposure to TV, radio, traffic, office gossip, etc. From overexposure, all we get is an automaton. Someone who "obeys their thirst," as the slogan goes, but which really means a media-constructed id personality who solely desires to fulfill that need (constructed by the media) for that brand of soft drink. Yuucchhh!

Where is the "soft animal of your body"? (Mary Oliver) Where is the one-who-knows in all this? Definitely not sipping on one of hundred available advertised brands of soft drink, that's for sure. But to feel what you feel and know what you know - now that's not something easily co-modified, not so easily translated, not so easily packaged, not so easily consumed. In fact, we often choke on the truth, or start to. But I'll tell you one thing, the truth is ultimately palatable in the most desirable way. It can change your life. It can open your eyes. It can make you free as the saying goes. Just take it with a shot of trust, because it will go down easier. So I guess my post today is about trusting. Trusting what shows up in your life, even if it's not what you wanted, not what you asked for, not what you would even recognize on an ordinary day. But one which you do eventually recognize on an unusual day - one like today.

My truth? What today is about? All things change. I'll have to work up to specifying. Broad, general strokes, philosophically rendered, will have to do today. See you next time.

Virginia Tech Sorrow

2007-04-18T16:50:00.000-05:00

I wanted to extend some sympathy and lovingkindness to the families and friends of the victims of the Virginia Tech rampage, as well as to all the students there and this is what came through. It represents Nature (in the persona of the flower), looking on with sadness and feeling sympathy for the anguish of the Virginia Tech students (symbolized by the young man's head coming out of the earth).

It was amazing that I was able to access this symbolic portrayal of how I felt given the sensationalism and lurid detail of some of the network news station coverage that was available on TV. It was disturbing.

I wanted to express my feelings in an uncomplicated, yet poignant way. My hope for you is that you find a way to express yourself ... if you were moved by this tragedy.

It's not that I don't want to grow.....

2007-04-13T09:36:00.000-05:00

It's not that I don't want to grow. Sometimes I just get bored with it. Tired. Whatever. But I can tell it's time to let go, because I've been dreading coming here and posting again. Like I couldn't possibly top what I put up a day ago, etc..... Yesterday I was trying to be all cheerful and zen-like and that didn't work. Well it worked for about 20 minutes. ; )

But I couldn't get to my computer soon enough to write down those pearls of wisdom before they began to change to dross. Now, I'm not sure what dross is but I think it's the leftover of what is processed of golden wheat or gold or something. If you know, please drop me a line.

Anyway, part of the process of growing is the resting - which we in the West have a hard time with. I don't know about you -- but I do. Americans tend to be always on the go and action-oriented. Not much room for contemplation. Or rest.

Also part of the process of growing is the dying back (as any gardener knows), in order for new growth to occur.

Okay, now that I've covered that subject...I'll try to get on to the next one....which is? I don't know, but I know I won't be trying too hard. Because part of growing myself for me is letting be. And that's what's going to happen now.

Online art projects

2007-04-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

Online art projects - I love it!
(see url at end) Why didn't I think of that? !! I would love to showcase my art, but on the other hand, want this to be more than that - an eclectic grab bag, if you will. Maybe that's not exactly what I wrote on the intro, but just another facet of life-as-we-know-it.

I wouldn't want to solicit photos of people holding up a placard with my name on it, but on the other hand, would love to post photos of people who send me a photo of themselves. Just don't want to get caught in a rut, say like asking for pictures of people with their pet frogs, or some natural catastrophe or something. But I am definitely intrigued. I would like the enlarge the scope of the audience here. So far, have only had one comment posted. Hmmmm....

I guess I will think about this and the possibilities.
http://www.austin360.com/arts/content/arts/stories/2007/04/9artblogs1.html
http://www.anniholm.blogspot.com/

It's that time of year....

2007-04-06T14:41:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year and I'm not talking taxes...I'm talking butterflies and daffodils and bluebonnets...and wind whishing in your hair as you ride with the hood down....it's April and all the associations that come with Spring..... new beginnings, regeneration, celebration, joy, growing (my favorite activity), spurting (okay, we'll leave that one alone), etc. Anything that's not frozen, but running freely... like me through green meadows barefoot .... you get the idea.

In that vein (or stream), I am showing a picture of a painting maybe a decade old, but which fits the time of year..... I hope you like it. I have more and will post them from time to time.

In my mundane life, I just found out that the electric lawn mower I had that went kaput, is running after all ... after I took it to two repair shops. Embarrassed, yes, but I will trade that embarrassment anyday for finding out that an appliance is not broken after all. In fact, I will care more for it now and treasure it as I believe I wasn't trusting it enough. It was more hardy than I thought (!) I guess that's the same with me sometimes too. ; )

Easy

2007-04-05T08:49:00.000-05:00

Easy is right
Begin right and you are easy
Continue easy and you are right
The right way to go easy
Is to forget the right way
And forget that the going is easy.
- Chinese saint Chuang Tzu

I didn't have the url of the photo I wanted to post, so took it off. From now on, I will remember to get the info on the photo if it's taken from the web, so the photographer's work is acknowledged and you, my dear reader, can go the the website it was found on if you want to.
This photo was from the National Geographic website.
http://lava.nationalgeographic.com/pod/

misc. notes with moth

2007-04-03T14:27:00.000-05:00

This was easier to post to when I was just getting started and in the heat of excitement. Now I have to admit that I'm dragging a little. I mean, who reads this, anyway? Of course, I could just write to a supposed audience and that has some merit too. But I'm really wondering about how to make this a vehicle for growing myself as well as a forum for growing you.

Maybe that's too pretentious. Or too esoteric. Thought I have seen a lot of disparate interests displayed on the internet. Nothing seems to be out of the question. Which is a good thing. But what exactly was the question?

On a more material plane, I took this photo of the beautiful moth on my front door a few days ago. Today, I saw an even beautiful-er and bigger moth, but didn't have my camera handy. Maybe I'll start a series called "Moths attracted to my light" ; )

chat

2007-03-29T14:55:00.000-05:00

I'm not one to chat much....but I was feeling like there was something I needed to do (writing this post today) ..... still getting used to this blogging....not sure what it is for, except something vaguely about growing myself, which means to me.... What does it mean to me? It means "what am I interested in?" What is getting my attention and pulling me along with it?" Where are there places that I want to go? Things I want to do? Etc. How can I provide for myself the nourishment that I desire in order to live a happy, fulfilling life?

I'm open to comments, questions, etc. I think that's what has kept me from blogging earlier - what readers might say. But the benefits outweigh the risks. I would rather be heard from, even if someone disagrees with something I say or doesn't like it. It's like riding on a rollercoaster. Or what I did today: I addressed a class for an absent instructor, relaying a long message. That was thrilling really. A minor thrill, but still a thrill. I have always been moderately shy in groups - at least til I got to know people on a one-to-one basis. But I did it and didn't get nervous and try to run out of there. Woo-hoo! They even asked me questions before I left. It really was different from what I always expected I'd do or even from what I have done in the past (I substitute taught elementary, junior high, and high school briefly). That right there is a place that I have grown much since I taught which was probably 10-15 years ago. What things can you remember that were once hard for you, or which you used to avoid, but now you can do it no prob?

jury duty

2007-03-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

I had jury duty today. It wasn't as bad as I expected - last time I was part of a jury pool of 200 or so. This time it was in a small building on 6th St. with about 20 of us. It just took time. And the case involved a minor caught with alcohol. Didn't get how young, but I think they were driving age. I was so glad that I wasn't picked. Civic duty or not. I could be out there in the world spreading joy and love and doing better for humanity than deliberating on the guilt or innocence and level of fine for the defendant. There are people that are good with that. But I'm not. I'd rather be out and about. Don't coop me up too long in a windowless room under fluorescent lights with a bunch of suits staring at me and everybody else wanting to get out of there. To be fair, the room had a wonderful skylight that changed the lighting in the room whenever the sun came out. That was delightful.

No pictures this time - they would just show me running around trying the find a parking space and then trying to find the building. But that last one - running out of the court when we were dismissed - that was a keeper. ; )

Lazure painting

2007-03-26T08:25:00.000-05:00

I learned how to do lazure painting this weekend. Well, not totally, but did learn the 3 steps - base coat, color coat, and dry brushing -- and used them on my friend's front door entranceway. She was in the process of painting her living and dining room area, plus the entranceway. They already had done the dining area a shimmering yellow, and a friend painted the bottom area a blushing reddish while I was there. It really gave the dining room a very nice warm blush. Reminded me of Casablanca. (Very different from those stark white walls they had.) They were going to paint the livingroom blue, going to green, going to yellow, I think. When I talked with her last, they had started painting that, so we'll see how it comes out. If I can remember, I will take pictures and post them here later.

A friend who had learned lazure painting -- Jenny Meadows -- managed the enterprise. Here is a picture of her work. She is not a professional lazurist - just someone who enjoys painting with that technique.

didn't go to concert

2007-03-23T16:20:00.001-05:00

Dear blog,

Didn't go to concert. Was a great idea, but as often happens, ran out of time and energy. Drat! But I still got to listen to them via the video link. You can too!!

I am going to learn how to do lazure painting this weekend. A friend of mine is getting a group of us together to help paint her walls lazure. Here is a photo of what it looks like (from this website: http://www.lazure.com/murals.html). Would love to learn how to do it myself. Will soak up everything I hear this weekend.

This is a little weird, but am just learning how to update my blog on a regular basis, so need them training wheels....

Ciao!

hey

2007-03-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

Dear blog,

how are you?

Cuidado,
Lauradeanne
--
con mucho gusto

This is how I learned to email a post to my blog. It's simple!

Traditional Gypsy Guitar concert - March 22

2007-03-21T11:58:00.000-05:00

Vadim Kolpakov (from Moscow Romen Theater) is a virtuoso guitarist who has been steeped in the Russian Gypsy tradition from childhood. He plays the Russian 7-string guitar, sings and dances. The New York Times acclaimed Vadim’s virtuoso guitar playing. He has toured extensively in the USA, the Russian Federation and Europe. In 2004 he founded the Boston, MA Russian Gypsy group: ViaRomen (ViaRomen.com).

Oleg Timofeyev holds an M.A. in Early Music Performance from the University of Southern California (1993), and a Ph.D. in Performance Practice from Duke University (1999). Since 1983, he has been performing early music on original instruments of the plucked family (lute, guitar). In 1989 this interest brought him to the U.S. where he studied with Patrick O’Brien, James Tyler, and Hopkinson Smith. Timofeyev has recorded two CDs "The Golden Age of the Russian Guitar" which met with rave reviews. He is preparing several more discs of little-known Russian music of the 18th and 19th centuries for release with his group TALISMAN.

Watch a video from a recent performanceCREEES

New York vacation pictures

2007-03-21T10:09:00.000-05:00

These are currently at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lauradeanne

Thanks. I will tranfer them as soon as I can.

Pictures to show

2007-03-21T09:46:00.000-05:00

What I want to create is a site with lots of pictures - both personal and others from out there in the world. Here are a couple of my favorite latest.....
http://gbgm-umc.org/umcor/actphotos/darfur05/life/index.htm

Gregg and Michelle

2007-03-21T09:43:00.000-05:00

Here is Gregg and Michelle sitting on my couch at our recent get-together. Not my best picture, but now I know to use higher-quality picture setting. Plus get lots of photos, not just one or two.

Beginning

2007-03-21T09:10:00.000-05:00

I am here. Again. And this time I'll be more witty, more conscious, more apropros..... or so I think. I think the main thing with a blog, at least what I think with my blog, is to keep it going. Keep adding commentary. Keep adding photos. Tell friends about it. But make it a part of my everyday life. Before, I started one that fizzled out and I think it was because I was holding it as something special. Something special that I had to "look up to," had to do my best with and on top of that, had to be inspired with. So that those plums - those juicy plums of inspired thought - would just tumble out of my mouth, or my hands, as the case may be. Not this time. This time I will focus on maintaining. That (sometimes) dull, though consistent maintaining of communication, of a relationship even (gasp) with you, my loyal readers, with what's "out there" in cyberland. So, with that in mind, let's get going. Let's explore the strange new world of growing yourself.