life and minor surgery

... life goes on ... but I definitely feel different. I had minor surgery last week to remove a small lipoma - a benign tumor about the size of a big wad of chewing gum from my right cheek. I had begun to notice it a few years back, but was hoping no one else would. I couldn't imagine paying for plastic surgery so I figured my preoccupations with it were idle concerns. Until the first time a friend asked whether I had the mumps.... Though I knew she was extraordinarily perceptive, I knew it was just a matter of time before others noticed and I would have to claim it.

I have always held a (barely conscious) belief in the importance of "being perfect," in physical form. So much so that when I was in my twenties, and discovered a patch of dryness on my leg that seemed to have no outward cause, I balked at the idea of some part of me not being "perfect." So, with this anomaly, I once again bumped up against my notion of physical perfection and how I had so identified with it early on. Very odd - that little pocket of absolutist thinking that had escaped detection until now.

At first, I tried out different ideas (or even rationalizations) about my face - that I had always had it (the fatty pad), which meant it was a natural part of me that didn't need to be removed, that it was natural because God had made me, etc. And I looked for ways to camoflauge it - with my hair all bushy and combed forward or trying blusher to define a cheekbone that wasn't there. I even considered the value of turning slightly to one side instead of facing someone directly, so it wouldn't be as obvious. But I bristled at that idea because I defined myself as direct in my communication and didn't want to change. (Form follows function. Would function follow form?)

I used to watch the Extreme Makeover shows and muse about what I would have done, if given the chance, and what I would not. It raised my consciousness not only of life's little "imperfections," but also of how we much we as a culture value how we look on the outside, and that beauty is defined as being symmetrical and "perfect" (meaning without flaw).

I ran through the gamut of what it could mean to my life, and tried to find a way to relate to it in the Japanese word Wabi-sabi, the "'Japanese art of appreciating the imperfect, the primitive, the incomplete,' .... Wabi-sabi asks that we 'set aside our judgements and our longing for perfection,' and concentrate instead on 'the beauty of things as they are'" (Publishers Weekly, Amazon.com).

I stole looks at my face in private until I could live with it. Then I began to be more proactive and point it out to people - close friends at first, then family, and then work colleagues, in order to call attention to it before they did, and thus render my embarassment mute. At first it was awkward but it worked. By naming it and owning it, I was no longer trying to live in the shadow of myself. And even though some friends said they couldn't tell if I hadn't had mentioned it, I wasn't so sure. But their kindness and discretion was noted and appreciated.

I finally came to terms with my face, through introducing the subject on my own and after repeated scrutinizations. I measured the width and depth of it, the look and feel of it, and somehow gained some kind of acceptance of it. It became part of my picture of myself, no longer a stranger -- not entirely perfect, but not rancid either. A "human" part of me.

In the "coming out" of it, I grew courageous (and accepting) enough to mention it to my doctor to see what he would say. He referred me to a plastic surgeon; I began to research about it on the internet. The plastic surgeon referred me to an Otolaryngology/Head and Neck Surgeon who successfully and easily removed it. (A bit of a wizard, was he.)

It was funny that after the surgery, upon looking at myself, it was like looking at someone else, like someone I could have been if I hadn't had that fatty pad in my cheek. I hadn't realized it til then, but I had incorporated the look of my face into who I was. I had started expressing the funny, kooky side of myself more. Now however, I was face to face with another, more womanly, more stately self. She was a mystery to me.

But I am glad to see her and I know we will become as close friends as my old pal, the clown was.

Note the "before" picture was at a party (smiling) and the "after" picture was after surgery (the drugged look).

Swamping the boat and Hakomi

Swamping the boat refers to how it is sometimes when circumstances or events seem to press harder and faster than you can go, or when you have a deadline that is totally eating your lunch ... there goes another metaphor..... For some people, having a deadline helps to put wind in your sails (as revered author Brad Brown said), and at other times or for other people, it swamps the boat.

Useful to know. How you are with the circumstances of your life - the deadlines posed from outside and the deadlines posed from within...? We want to do things on our schedule. At least, I do. I want to make it work according to my picture.

Therein lies the rub. We're not in control. That's the bad news -- while we're busy trying to get into control or take control or just can't take our hands off the wheel while the car is going over the cliff ..... and the good news -- when we finally get it that we don't have to be in control -- we can let go and let God. That's a wonderful relief ... at least for a few minutes ... and if we (by we, I mean "I"), can just remember - keep reminding ourselves that it's okay to let it go. It's okay to not hold on to the it of existence. The minutae and the details and the who said what to whom, but just bask in the glory of existence. To see the sweep in life, instead of a dreary plodding or a preoccupation with bean-counting.

A grace, instead of a punishment. A light if we will only look for it. Which brings me to Hakomi, which is a Hopi Indian word which means "How do you stand in relation to these many realms?

In this instance, I am refering to Hakomi Therapy, a body-centered therapy, of which ...

"Some of the origins ... stem from Buddhism and Taoism, especially concepts like gentleness, compassion, mindfulness, and 'going with the grain.' Other influences come from general systems theory, which incorporates the idea of respect for the wisdom of each individual as a living organic system that spontaneously organizes matter and energy, and selects from the environment what it needs in a way that maintains its goals, programs, and identity."

More on this soon. ; ) But there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. Or am I awash in metaphor?

tree trimmers, snafus, and life

What this is about is all the snafus that occur in our days.... The tree trimmers that I met with 2+ weeks ago to cut some branches that are growing onto my roof (who have just now contacted me to do the job) ... the lawnmower shop that took my lawn mower in June to fix, saying it would take 6 weeks or more, and when I called in August, they said they couldn't repair that type (electric) and I had to go pick it up. ?....and why did they say they could do it in the first place? (??!!) ...and after all that, the mower started right up.

And, boy was I glad! I had been relying on a combination of friend's mower (which I had to go get), pushmower (slippery when wet) and weedeater (back-breaker). I got to where I started pulling the grass out with my hands (!!) ....which was easy because all the rain softened the ground. Now I am happy to say that I have a full lawn of some ground cover other than grass - something like clover. (And no, I didn't pull all that grass out myself.) The "clover" seems to have just taken over and it doesn't need half as much mowing : ) So I'm happy. I guess my persistence (and a little luck or positive ju-ju) paid off.

Now back to snafu-city. What do you do with a friend who misreads how important some mutual plans are to you and backs out, feigning forgetfulness? Well, what I've done, after all the strum and dang (is that right? got to look that up. It's German) is let it go. But still can't help wondering about it. Is all of life a big snafu? Are we all just test cases to see how well we'll do under the influence of snafu-pressure?

The funny thing is that a part of me wants to insist that it be done this way, or that this way is "right." What is that? Virginia Satir said there were more than ....[umpteen] ways to wash dishes. No one right way. Yes, but isn't there such a thing as order? Logic? Integrity? Accountability? Are those concepts too authoritarian to have any use in our lives?

After all is said and done -- and sometimes this takes a long time -- I'll go with love, compassion, forgiveness (of course), and letting go. Though I depend on logic and integrity, I practice compassion and forgiveness - maybe because those don't come as automatic. They have to be "worked at" - to that extent that anything as sublime can really be "worked at." But that's what it takes sometimes - compassion and forgiveness. See where it can take you.

Where were you in the 60's?

Where were you in the 60's?
I apologize for not keeping up with this blog. I don't know how many people might be keeping track of it.... but I got side-tracked trying to put together an art group. But that's another story....

I just saw a PBS documentary about the 60's and it was excellent! I learned a lot of things I didn't know, the most meaningful being that on the eve of the biggest anti-war demonstration to date - with 2 million participating across the country - that Nixon was considering threatening North Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia with nuclear weapons in order to end the war, and that because of that demonstration, he decided not to. It would've been the first use of nuclear weapons (I think that's what they said. I guess Hiroshima and Nagasaki weren't nuclear.) The pictures especially of the hippies and demonstrations really brought me back to those times. I was only 6 when the decade started and 14 in 1968, but definitely felt part of a movement bigger than all of us. I wish I had been older and had been able to participate more in the demonstrations and concerts (I barely missed out on Woodstock. I was only 16 and didn't have friends old enough to drive there from where I lived in New Jersey).

I was really pleased with the thought put into this documentary. They included balanced coverage from both sides of the political spectrum with interviews from McNamara, Kissinger, and Buchanan as well as Arlo Guthrie, Tom Hayden, Howard Zinn and others whose names I can't remember. It showed the wide scope of the times, including the race riots, the occupation of university offices at Columbia University, the demonstrations at UC-Berkely and Kent State, the assassinations of Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. , and described how the political landscape changed over time. (I didn't know what the Pentagon Papers were (!!) Now I do.) It was really clarifying for me. I think the main thing I got from it was that we, the people do have power and if we but believe and act for what we value, then change can happen. And that the more people involved, the more powerful we are.

One of the social activists on the left acknowledged that many who demonstrated against the war did not vote in the election with Nixon and Humphrey, and that it was a mistake. That the election was very close, with Nixon winning by only 1% or something. And that the ones who demonstrated slammed Humphrey and ignored Nixon. I had no idea. I am glad he acknowledged it as a mistake, because it also shows how important a vote can be in tipping the scales.

I know there are lots of others who can do better social commentary than me, but this time, I wanted to take the opportunity to write something about what I learned - which has amazing relevance today. I am proud to be a baby boomer, and proud to be a left-leaning liberal, and ex-hippie (though it really was before my time). I still enjoyed the excitement of the times and the gentle message of the hippie culture (before the excess of drugs) of peace and love.

Pictures of my friend's lazure painted house

Back in May, my friend Becca decided to paint some of her walls with a lazure technique which produces walls of very light pastel color with a luminous quality. It involves diluting paint many times with water and applying several coats over time to the wall with a special brush. The light will catch the color different ways depending on the angle you are looking from. There's a much better description on the websites I found through Google, such as: http://www.lazure.com/
http://www.lazurepainting.com/
http://www.lazurebylogsdon.com/

These websites have beautiful pictures of the work of these lazure artists, so check it out if you can.

The lazure painting technique is used widely in Europe to add a healing atmosphere to hospitals, etc. as well as to bring relaxation and creativity to Waldorf Schools and business conference rooms and, and of course, to bring charm and a meditative quality to bedrooms and other rooms in private homes. (My friend actually had it done mainly in her living room, front hall, and dining nook. She used yellow, green, blue, rose/crimson, and purple for beautiful effect.)

More photos of her house can be seen at my Flickr webpage: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lauradeanne (also see Links to the right)

summertime photos

This is Esperanza and me. She is a friend of mine, actually niece to a friend. We are having a good time visiting at her aunt's office at the University of Texas.

Artists talk about where to show their work

Artist Robert Genn's "click-backs" on his last week's newsletter on Context -
This particular newsletter is about deciding where to show your (art) work and what kind of response you might get. Many artists from all over the country (and the world) responded and he posted their responses on his website at http://clicks.robertgenn.com/context.php.

Wonderful - the feedback I read from all these artists. Gave me great insight into how they view their work and the type of decisions to be made in doing artwork that you want to sell.