Endings

 

Say what you will, endings are hard.  I went to three groups this past week, all of which were the last meeting til the Fall.  Let's face it, schedules are erratic.  Given that and the fact that I just retired last week made the occasions especially poignant.  and telling.  We don't like endings.  At least, I don't.  They have a disconcerting way of shaking up your routine and if there's anything I love, it's a good routine.  I am a Taurus after all.  Stable.  Down to earth.  Maybe that's too much of a reliable thing, though, after a while.  Everyone neesd to do something to break it up  once in awhile.  And me, too, even as I am also trying to see how it would fit into my "usual" schedule.  How can I do something different, but not so different that I notice?  How can I accommodate my need for growth and newness without disrupting the status quo?  I can't.  Got to suffer the slings and arrows.  Got to face the doubting monster.  Got to brave the dizzying  heights and doldrums and panicky lows.  But, I know I will come out the other side.  Plenty of people have and I'm going to become one of them.  Like that ninety-year-old woman who jumped out of an airplane as part of her bucket list.  I may not do that, but I will do the things that matter to me and so challenge myself out of my comfort zone.  Out of that disorienting state of no routine to fall back on.  No routine to remind me who I am.  Or who I thought I was.  Because I'm not my routine.  I'm not my job.  I'm not even my sensibilities.  There is much possibility here.  And that possibility, that potential, that being-ness doesn't want to be jammed into a routine.  At least not right now.  Too much energy and light wants to escape.  I will use my routine like a handy stairway bannister.  And skip off the steps when I need to.